Finding Answers to Family Feuds
Genesis 25: 21-34
According to a survey done by Randy Carlson about eight years ago, 91% of American adults long to improve their relationships with their adult siblings. The pains of family life continue to haunt us, often for an entire lifetime.
One of the most compelling stories of the Bible is the struggle between two brothers by the names of Esau and Jacob. These sons of Isaac start jostling each other in their mother’s womb and continue to feud and fight for most of their lives. Can we gain some insight into our relational lives from this story?
There was a birthright to blame In the case of Jacob and Esau. In biblical times, the birthright belonged to the first born. By a margin of minutes, Esau was the older brother. Oh, what a difference a few minutes made in terms of inheritance. According to their customs and culture, the first born would get a double inheritance. If there were two sons, the inheritance would be split three ways: two parts for Esau, one part for Jacob. Furthermore, the birthright made you the designated head of the family. It meant that simply because of the timing of your birth, you were placed in a position of honor and given an automatic blessing. It also meant that you were the spiritual leader of the clan. You set the standards and the morals for others. A birthright was a blessing to be deeply desired, cherished highly, waited for patiently. In this kind of setting a feud between brothers emerges.
However, God does not always play according to our cultural rules. God announces to Rebecca before the two boys are born, that “the older will serve the younger.” God inverts the order of things. God, being God, says, I have decided to do this differently.
Sometimes I wonder if our cultural customs encourage conflicts in our relational lives? What happens when we teach competition at all costs? What kind of world have we created by a scarcity mentality? If I don’t grab it there won’t be enough for me, so I had better take all I can, as opposed to the notion there is probably enough for all of us, if we could only learn to share. What happens when culture teaches us, as a bumper sticker says, “The one who dies with the most toys wins”? What happens when culture says bigger is always better? Should we be surprised when God somehow moves into the midst of all of that and inverts the order? Some people say there is a birthright to blame in this family fight. There is nothing new about it. Families have been fighting over inheritances as long as there have been families.
Some people say that parents play a part and they do. Verse 29 says: Isaac loved Esau, but Rebecca loved Jacob. “Mom and dad loved you best,” for thousands of people, it is the cry of pain from the wounds of the heart that run all the way through adulthood. There was a triangle set up in this family system. Rebecca sides with Jacob, Isaac sides with Esau.
Parents may set the stage, but it is the boys themselves who close the deal, scheming, tricking, blaming, charging, wanting it now.
Esau said, “I’m feeling faint.” “Aw” said Jacob, “no you aren’t.”
“Poppa’s blessing,” Esau cried, “Is mine by rights, but I’ll have died Of hunger first. For pity’s sake-
My birthright for your lentils, Jake.” “Your birthright?” Jacob murmured. “Sold! Dig in before the stuff gets cold.”
That day a deal was made that would hurt two boys as long as they lived. Feuds have a way of going on and on and on. From generation to generation, they continue.
Jacob becomes the father of Israel and Esau becomes the father of the Edomites. Two-hundred and seventy years later, Moses is leading the children of Israel out of slavery in Egypt. They set up camp in a place called Kadesh. Moses sends ambassadors to talk to the King of Edom, asking permission to pass through their territory (Numbers 20:16). Edom refused to give them permission to pass through the territory. The pain of hate and deceit runs deep and lasts long. The sins of the father impact descendants from generation to generation.
If feuds are real, what can we do? First; we can receive God’s mercy. As the old spiritual says, It’s me, it’s me O Lord, standing in the need of prayer. Not my brother, not my sister, but it’s me O Lord, standing in the need of prayer.
Even the New Testament writers kept going back to the story. In Romans 9, when Paul was trying to articulate the plan of salvation, by grace and grace alone, he picks up this story and has God saying in verse 15: I will have mercy on whom I have mercy and compassion on whom I have compassion. Therefore, reasons Paul, our salvation does not depend on our desire or effort, but on God’s mercy. Furthermore, Paul reasons that, if God can take a heel like Jacob and make him the father of Israel, God ought to be able to do something good with the likes of you and me. No matter how you got to where you are, or how badly you hurt, or how embarrassed you may be, or how drained of hope you may feel, there is a ceaseless stream of God’s mercy flowing for you. By the waters of baptism our sins are washed away. At the fount of the Divine blessing, there is living water day after day after day. What can we do? We can accept God’s mercy and grace and take responsibility for ourselves.
Esau did not know the difference between an inconvenience and a problem. Do you? Esau hadn’t missed a meal and yet says he is starving. He just wants what he wants, and he wants it now and he will have it no matter what the price tag.
Robert Fulghum tells the story about turning loose in a tirade on the manager of a resort hotel after a week of accumulated frustration in the place. He says, “When I finished my angry remarks, the manager of the place said to me, ‘Listen, Fulghum, you think you know everything, but there is something you failed to learn in kindergarten. You don’t know the difference between a problem and an inconvenience. If you break your neck, have nothing to eat, or find yourself trapped in a fire, that is a problem. Everything else is an inconvenience. Learn that and you will live longer.’” So, I ask you, what are you doing with what is? What can we do? We can accept God’s mercy and grace. It is all grace my friends; it is all grace. What can we do? We can take responsibility for ourselves.
We need to hear the words of Mother Theresa, the lover of the least, when asked what we can do to promote world peace, she said, “Go home and love your family.”
We may not be able to avoid family feuds. But by the grace of God, we can live through them and learn from them, and maybe, for the sake of future generations, overcome them empowered by God’s grace.